Cordyceps
by Snakefire1
Summary: How do abominations prefer their steak? (Features OC's for the provinces and territories of Canada.)


**Cordyceps**

* * *

Canada's house was a large mansion of a home, less out of extravagance and more out of necessity. A "family" of fourteen plus rooms for living and guests occupied a fairly large plot of land on the outskirts of Ottawa, more of a requirement than a desire. To outsiders, the opulent manor sitting on the wild-grass lawn with maple trees planted along the driveway all seemed to speak of a certain kind of normalcy, at least by the standards of the wealthy person who dwelled there.

"Family" was a bit of a stretch, to be fair. The provinces and Territories of Canada considered each other adopted siblings, with the exception of Newfoundland, who considered himself very much an outsider to the whole sorry mess. But with a few exceptions between specific provinces or territories, most of them weren't related by blood. But they called themselves a family, because it was frankly easier than calling themselves a confederation.

It was suppertime, the sun sinking low over the horizon, and for once the entire family was not only there at Canada's home, but a lack of any drama meant that they would all be enjoying a rare collective dinner together. The sun shone through the bay windows at the far end of the long and large dining hall, all down the huge table built to accommodate fourteen abnormally tall people. The chairs that lined the table were far from a matched set, each one having been carved afresh by a different carpenter when each province or territory first came to sit at that table.

Alberta was on the house's deck fussing with the barbecue; tonight was steak night, and nobody else was able to really do the beef justice. The blonde stood happily in a grubby t-shirt and jeans, prodding the almost-finished steaks with a flipper and just enjoying the fresh country air and the smell of grilling meat.

Quebec was usually the one to make dinner, but his attempts to grill steak were always a pale shadow of Alberta's; instead, the tall and slender man had fixed up a platter of stuffed backed potatoes, corn on the cob, and a salad for those who were interested. He adjusted his glasses and hummed a little snippet of a song as he removed the potatoes from the oven. PEI had made a large fuss about the potatoes, insisting that he should be the one to make them, but Quebec had waved him off by simply picking up the sack of spuds and holding it out of PEI's reach.

In the dining hall, Nunavut was helping Saskatchewan set the table, laying out the placemats and plates and forks and steak knives.

Saskatchewan paused after he had laid down the last fork, looking over the table and pondering something intently. The farmer was usually pretty quiet, but the staring at Ontario's place setting didn't go unnoticed.

Nunavut skipped up to him and punched his older brother in the arm gently, his chubby face beaming with a huge grin. The little Inuit boy was the youngest of their family, relieving Saskatchewan and Alberta of that title.

"Hey, Sasky. What'cha thinkin' of?" Nunavut said, hopping up and down on the spot.

Saskatchewan just looked at his little brother and mussed his spiky black hair fondly.

"Ah, nothing much, Nunavut. I'm just thinking who's gonna want what. You're having a glass of milk, obviously, I'm having a beer and so's Alberta and 'Scotia…." He scratched his blonde beard, green eyes surveying the table carefully as he considered his options.

"Oh, right. Glasses. Don't worry, Sasky. I got this one!" Nunavut beamed, running off to the cabinet where the wine glasses and mugs and cups were kept and pulling a few down. Without so much as asking Saskatchewan for his input, Nunavut ran around the table, grinning hugely as he hastily got the last few places set.

Saskatchewan blinked. Clearly this kid was in a hurry to eat.

"You skip lunch or somethin', Nunavut?"

"Nope!" he chirped in reply, "I just have some big news for you all! You're gonna be so proud of me!"

Saskatchewan shrugged and ambled into the kitchen as Nunavut scrambled for his seat.

"Hey, table's set, you lot. How's supper?"

"C'est fait." Quebec replied, carrying the potatoes into the dining room and laying them on the table on top of a hot plate.

More food soon followed, as all available hands were recruited into moving the food from kitchen to table. Newfoundland was double-fisting wine bottles as Alberta brought in the small mountain of steak, carrying the platter as though it were an infant and not just a pile of meat. And all through it all, Nunavut sat at his chair eagerly, waiting for the family to be seated. He was grinning at everyone, and anyone who wasn't busy smiled back. Manitoba took a seat next to him, mussing the kid's hair fondly as he waited for everyone else to take their seats.

The Northwest Territories got into her chair just before Canada, who was the last to arrive. The table was piled high with perfectly grilled steaks and potatoes and corn, all of which smelled absolutely divine. NWT leaned over to Nunavut with a stern, motherly expression on her face, her braid slumping along with her, and she whispered, _"Now, young man, you're to eat all of your meat before you spoon yourself more salad, am I clear?"_

 _"But siiiiiis!"_

 _"I don't care, Nunavut. You must eat all your meat, am I clear?"_

 _"You suck…"_

 _"You watch your mouth-"_

Canada coughed loudly, cutting through the whispered argument and getting the attention of everyone else at the table. Alberta was scowling down at him, arms folded and brows furrowed. The reason was obvious; her white cowboy hat was hanging off the corner of her chair as opposed to sitting on her head, something Canada had clearly asked of her.

"Sorry to interrupt, everyone. I just wanted to say thank you to Alberta and Quebec for putting this meal together for all of us, and how grateful I am for all of you deciding to be here today. Is there anything anyone else wants to say before we tuck in?" Canada said kindly and softly, his provinces and territories dead silent so as to hear the man speak.

To everyone's surprise (except for Saskatchewan) Nunavut stood up.

Canada himself seemed a bit taken aback, as well. Normally he just left that last part in as a courtesy; he couldn't recall the last time someone had something to announce prior to dinner.

All eyes were on Nunavut expectantly, except for Quebec, who was discreetly trading his wine glass for Newfoundland's beer mug, an unopened bottle of Labatt's lurking innocently by his side.

Nunavut took a deep breath.

"I, uh, I got into an accident earlier today."

This was met by a round of concerned expressions and looks of confusion. Nobody had heard anything from Nunavut earlier; he'd just gone for a walk down to the store to buy some candy and tomatoes. Fresh food was prohibitively expensive in Iqaluit, and Nunavut was usually unable to afford something as simple as lettuce back home. He ate a lot of meat and junk food when he was by himself, and whenever he was at Canada's house, it wasn't unusual to see him sneakily eating an entire package of cherry tomatoes or Brussels sprouts or lettuce.

The look on Ontario's face was more than just mild concern. He was staring at Nunavut intently, brown eyes locked with brown eyes, and the blonde furrowed his brow.

"…Nunavut, I actually went for a walk down that way myself. There was a car stopped in the middle of the road-"

"Yeah. Yeah, I uh, I got hit when I was crossing. Pretty bad, too."

This was met with a round of gasps- followed by some sighs of irritation and some derisive eyerolls.

"B'y's tellin' ya ta go play in traffic an' den ye actually did it, eh b'y?" Newfoundland chuckled, ignoring the stern look from the Northwest Territories he earned in the process. Nobody else was nearly as casual about it, though.

Ontario had gone white as a sheet.

"Nunavut. I went to check on that car and the driver was gone. Don't tell me you-"

"I, uh…I did…" Nunavut said, his earlier enthusiasm by now completely diminished as he sank sheepishly back into his seat, doing his best to avoid everyone's gaze. He looked up slowly, a strangled smile sneaking onto his face.

"But, I, um, I managed to- I pulled off my first proper switch!" He said proudly, his enthusiasm undampened by the tableful of cold stares he was receiving.

Canada sighed.

"Nunavut, we've talked about this. You REALLY shouldn't do that in broad daylight- please tell me nobody saw you-"

"No! Nobody- nobody saw!" He stammered, a little too quick; his cheeks heated up and he looked away from Canada, down at the floor underneath the table like he could burrow through it and disappear.

"Nunavut, for fuck's sake, we've told you a HUNDRED times-" Nova Scotia growled, "You don't do that to humans in broad friggin' daylight where anyone could see you-"

"Cut the kid a break, fuck! You know as much as me how much it sucks crawling around without functioning legs, let alone getting loaded up into an ambulance and wasting a doctor's time when you could be done with it in a minute. Nunavut, you're alright. Don't listen to these assholes." Alberta cut everyone else off, arms folded and gaze impassive as she looked around the table. And before anyone else could interrupt, she added:

"And actually, how about we put a raincheck on this stupid conversation until after we eat. I'm hungry and the food's getting cold."

This was met with grumbles and scowls, but the meat nonetheless got passed around, each person spearing their steak in turn. Soon the whole family was tucking in, and the conversation resumed again, stupid fishing stories mixing with pipeline arguments and a heated political debate two seconds from turning violent, and all the while, Nunavut squirmed quietly in his seat, chewing on his meat nervously and looking around furtively. He had that icky feeling in his tummy that he'd done something really wrong, as well as a sense of indignation- they'd taught him how to switch! He'd actually managed to do it, successfully! And they were mad at him? He didn't have any choice!

And Canada, Canada would look up from the head of the table, eyes full of concern; he was worried about something, but it wasn't like that mattered. More pressing was the Northwest Territories, who was quietly arguing with Manitoba about it over Nunavut's head.

 _"-Yeah, well, the kid pulled it off, that's pretty friggin' impressive if you ask me, Terrie-"_

 _"-Manny, we have_ _ **no idea**_ _if he's even going to be able to keep it buttoned together, not to mention-"_

Nunavut sighed and took another bite of his meat, letting his head droop forwards. Well, HE was proud of himself, if that mattered at all. He looked up at Canada- and swallowed the steak nervously.

Canada was looking straight at him, and suddenly those freaky purple eyes widened behind their glasses.

"I- everyone- Nunavut- Nunavut, you're-"

All the other conversations taking place around them petered out abruptly, everyone glancing at Canada and then tracing his gaze over to their youngest member.

"Nunavut, you're coming unbuttoned there-"Canada said softly, eyes wide. He was clearly trying to keep the rest of the family calm about this turn of events, even as Nunavut himself started to panic.

"C- I'm not coming unbuttoned! I'm not! I'm- I'M FINE!" he protested, looking around at the horrified faces around him.

"Kid, fuck, yer eye's got a crack right through da middle-"

"Stay calm, Nunavut, please-"

"Don't worry, kid, happens to the best of us-"

"Nunavut, can you, just- uhm-"

Nunavut started to pant, his breathing picking up to hyperventilation levels within a few seconds. Without warning, a dull thudding pain started up above his right eye in his temple, and he raised a hand to clutch at his head-

Nunavut screamed.

The veins in his hand were glowing golden. He could see them, the network of veins under his skin, all of them shining out in a lattice fashion. He looked at his arm, both of them- and the golden glow was working its way up those veins too, slowly but surely illuminating his limbs.

"TERRIE?! TERRIE, WHAT'S HAPPENING-!?"

"Nunavut! Nunavut, please, you have to calm down-"

"TERRIE I DON'T LIKE THIS MAKE IT STOP MAKE HIM STOP IT HURTS I'M SCARED I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE-"

"Nunavut, it's fine, you'll be fine, he's just rejecting you-" There was a note of hysteria in NWT's voice, and Nunavut stared at her in horror, tears starting to come to his eyes as his hands started to ache like he'd just cracked them both with a hammer.

"TERRIE MAKE IT STOP PLEASE MAKE HIM STOP I DIDN'T MEAN TO I'M SORRY IT'S SO COLD WHEN YOU'RE ALONE AND I-"

"NUNA-"

" **NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO STOP IT STOP IT I'M SORRY I JUST WANTED TO BORROW IT-"**

The golden glow had climbed into Nunavut's face, every vein outlined in sharp relief- and then there was a bright, blinding flash of light, and a dull thud.

When the light had faded, Terrie climbed to her feet and looked down- and sighed.

"See? See?! This is why. This is WHY I told him not to do this without asking us-"

Manitoba shook his head. "Fuck, I'm actually impressed. That guy's like thirty-five and the kid's what, seventeen in human years? And he kept that buttoned down for at least six **_hours?_** That's pretty friggin' impressive, man."

Lying on their dining room floor was a man who looked in his mid-to-late thirties, with some unshaven stubble and a shock of messy red hair. He was wearing Nunavut's suddenly-too-small T-shirt and pants, sprawled on his back with his eyes closed.

And next to him was a small golden puddle that seemed to swirl and glow with light.

NWT clucked her tongue, bending down to gather up the puddle. The instant her fingers touched it, the seemingly-liquid substance formed up, rolling itself into a bumpy ball, covered in rounded spines and protrusions in odd places. The ball was only about the size of a soccer ball, and she held it in both hands as the rest of the family crowded around for a better look.

"Yeah, I'm with Manny on this one. Taking THAT guy as a host at his age? I'm impressed. That kid's got moxie, I'll give him that." Alberta said, adjusting the hat she'd immediately jammed back on her head as soon as everyone was distracted.

"No, that's not at all impressive. You need to select a host that you can actually occupy without being rejected! Not to mention, now we'll have to do damage control and ensure nobody else saw him take this human's body-" Ontario pointed out, gesturing at the unconscious human, "Not to mention we'll have to erase his memory, which means one of us has to relinquish-

It was the smallest of them all, PEI, who cut him off. "C'mon, guys. From the sound of it, this guy ran him over, stopped to check if he was alright, and then Nunavut nabbed him. Don't try and tell me you wouldn't have done the exact same thing. It's a LOT better than just oozing around for awhile-"

All argument and debate was immediately quashed by a faint stirring of movement from the floor. The man was starting to wake up, his blue eyes blinking open slowly and groggily. Initially he seemed calm; placid, even; but as the seconds ticked by, the serene look of slight confusion faded, clarity returning to his eyes. And in that clarity, there was only one emotion- fear.

The man bolted up into a sitting position, staring up at them. His head whipped from one face to another as he scrabbled away from them, panting in unadulterated terror. He shrank back, as though he was trying to burrow himself into the wall.

The other Provinces and Territories crowded around, looking down at the man almost curiously.

"WH- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?!" he screamed, shrinking back, "WHAT WAS THAT!? WHAT THE FUCK DID THAT KID DO TO ME?!" He raised one of his hands, shaking like a leaf as he hugged his own torso almost possessively.

Manitoba tsked, looking down at the glowing golden ball in NWT's hands. "Well, scratch that. Nunavut, I know you can't hear me, kid, but if this guy was conscious, you screwed up."

"Cut him some slack. EVERYONE does that the first time they switch hosts. The fact that the kid made the jump from the one he was using to this guy without fucking up in between is enough. He just needs more practice, is all." Saskatchewan said evenly, looking down at the man with weary eyes.

Canada elbowed his way to the front of the group and looked down at the cowering human.

"Well, I guess dinner's ruined...I'm very sorry about this, Mister…?"

"Cl-Clark. Joseph Clark. Wh- WHO ARE YOU. WHAT ARE YOU!? **_WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"_**

Canada sighed. "I don't suppose you'd just accept that we're humans?"

The man just looked at Canada like he was going to be sick.

"Right, well then. I suppose it would be easier to show you. I do wish Nunavut was able to see and hear this, he does need to learn how, but oh well..."

Canada sighed, stepping to the front of the group in front of Joseph. He crouched down to his knees, looking the human dead in the eyes.

"Now I know this is probably pretty scary, Mister Clark, but I promise it's all gonna be okay, alright? I'm just gonna hop off my current host onto you, just for a minute, alright? I need to just go in there and erase the last six hours from your memory- won't hurt a bit, you won't even be aware I'm in there-"

Canada was talking smoothly and calmly, like he was trying to calm a panicked animal. All the while, the veins on his face were starting to glow, brighter and brighter, a crisscrossing network of lines that eventually got bright enough to hit the surface- and then something pierced through the blinding wall of light.

It was a human nose.

A face, the face of a man in his fifties with brown hair and a greying beard, pierced through the glow as Canada reached an arm out towards his face, hand already glowing brightly.

And Joseph Clark screamed.

* * *

 _A/N:_

 _This is an idea that's been knocking about in my head for a few weeks now, and it's got a pile of headcannons and #trufax to boot. Yeah I'm ripping off 'Parasite' a bit, but deal with it, yo. I wanted to take a different tack with this one. Mostly I just wanted to sit back and write something, so the quality's pretty eh, but whatever._

 _If you get what the title refers to then you get a cookie._

 _Anyway, this is clearly an AU. Also, happy Victoria Day._

 _If you haven't read my other works, you should. If you have read my other works and are wondering when the frick I'm gonna update The West Wind Howls, the answer is soon, I promise._

 _If you liked it, leave a review! I really appreciate it!_


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